I really don't know what I am feeling right now. I'm always attacked by the feeling of insecurity and there's no way i can find to cure it. It's more like a cardiac arrest and maybe writing this may help to outburst the pain I am experiencing.
It was a good start today at work. Just got a fairly good cheer from my co-workers. But end up really unwell because of unpredicted situation i wasn't able to handle. I am the project manager of a construction site and I find it really challenging for my career to have an opportunity like this. Considering I am still in the inception of the industry. It is a small project though I am in charge of everything from planning and design up to the supervision and quality inspection. Beside me handling this project is Kudur, a Syrian sidekick working for my Arab boss for almost twelve years and Shaheen, a Pakistani working as a freelance electrician for almost ten years. It was a "Good Group" as my boss said and indeed it was. And to come and think about it, I am really proud that though being a newbie, I was given a good break for the start seeing the importance of my position regardless of the few experience I've had.
We had a good deal and a smooth sailing workflow. However, I am quite reluctant and skeptical about the stability and my situation being the head of the Project team. Maybe because of the inferiority complex that suddenly kills me. It starts when my boss seeks for the report of Kudur regarding the project situation. Since Kudur has worked for my boss for a long time, he has already gained the trust of my boss to all the business transactions including some personal errands of my boss, Kudur is always there. Most of the time I felt like i was "left behind". Perhaps because I am young, or maybe I don't know arabic which is practically the language used since most of the people here don't speak and understand English.
Can't really do anything to stop this anxiety at the moment. I hope it will just be frozen in oblivion.
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