The Down Syndrome

I really don't know what I am feeling right now. I'm always attacked by the feeling of insecurity and there's no way i can find to cure it. It's more like a cardiac arrest and maybe writing this may help to outburst the pain I am experiencing.

It was a good start today at work. Just got a fairly good cheer from my co-workers. But end up really unwell because of unpredicted situation i wasn't able to handle. I am the project manager of a construction site and I find it really challenging for my career to have an opportunity like this. Considering I am still in the inception of the industry. It is a small project though I am in charge of everything from planning and design up to the supervision and quality inspection. Beside me handling this project is Kudur, a Syrian sidekick working for my Arab boss for almost twelve years and Shaheen, a Pakistani working as a freelance electrician for almost ten years. It was a "Good Group" as my boss said and indeed it was. And to come and think about it, I am really proud that though being a newbie, I was given a good break for the start seeing the importance of my position regardless of the few experience I've had.

We had a good deal and a smooth sailing workflow. However, I am quite reluctant and skeptical about the stability and my situation being the head of the Project team. Maybe because of the inferiority complex that suddenly kills me. It starts when my boss seeks for the report of Kudur regarding the project situation. Since Kudur has worked for my boss for a long time, he has already gained the trust of my boss to all the business transactions including some personal errands of my boss, Kudur is always there. Most of the time I felt like i was "left behind". Perhaps because I am young, or maybe I don't know arabic which is practically the language used since most of the people here don't speak and understand English.

Can't really do anything to stop this anxiety at the moment. I hope it will just be frozen in oblivion.

Homesick

Unti-unti ko nang nami miss ang Pilipinas. Bakit ba ang hirap mong makalimutan. Bakit ba palagi kitang naiisip. Namimiss ko na ang patagaktak ng pawis ko sa init ng trapik sa EDSA. Ang fishball at kikyam kaya 50 cents pa rin? Gusto ko nang makipag inuman sa kanto kasama ang mga sunog bagang mga tambay.
Ang taho, balot, penoy, betamax, isaw at tokneneng. Ang magulong palengke. Ang ulan at baha. Ang makukulit kong kapatid na madalas kong kabangayan. Ang mga kakulitan kong mga pinsan. Mga kamag anak namin na hindi ko naman masyado kilala pero oras na makita ako magtatanong ng "Kanino ka bang anak?" Ang maingay na jeep at ang matagtag na tricycle. Ang simbahan sa bayan na madalas tagpuan. Ang barkada na akala mo noon lang nagkita kita kapag magkakasama. Ang aso ko. Ang maliit kong kwarto na tanaw ang sikat ng araw tuwing umaga. Ang mga magulang ko na paborito akong sawayin. Malamang malungkot sila ngayon. Wala kasing nang aasar sa kanila. Minsan prang gustong tumulo ng luha ko. Pero h'wag. Maslalo lang akong malulungkot. Ang hirap pala mag-isa. Napapaisip tuloy ako minsan. Mga ganitong oras nagluluto na siguro si Nanay ng agahan. Siguro naglalaro nanaman ng basketball sa labas ang mga pinsan kong makukulit. Nagsimba siguro sila nung linggo. Madalas siguro kong hinahanap ng tropa. Hindi ko na alam kung pano itutuloy. Kasi masmalulungkot lang ako kapag inalala ko pa ang lahat ng masasaya. Lalo na ang Pasko, bagong taon, birthday at lahat ng okasyon na alam mong ikatutuwa mo kapag nandoon ka. Pero pass muna. Bakante ang upuan ko ngayon sa Pinas. Pag-uwi ko magkikita kita ulit tayo.

The Joy from Happiness

Jim Carrey once said "I wish everyone could experience being rich and famous, so they'd see it wasn't the answer to anything".... I think he was right. There are lot of things here on earth that we take for granted. Thinking that there is something missing in our lives. We keep on finding what we don't have. And finding that "missing thing" doesn't really suffice our needs. Doesn't really make us happy...or joyful i must say.

Joy is different. It is something beyond what happiness is. A lasting feeling of satisfaction. More sincere and unconditional. Doesn't require much to get. Perhaps you have to do is to appreciate more than criticism. As the saying goes "All of the best things in life are free." The air, sunshine, rain...everything that is already there but we often take for granted. The morning sky, a greeting from a friend, an empty parking slot, a message of sweet nothings, a "thank you". We didn't buy them, yet somehow it makes us feel better. We feel blessed for we are appreciated.

Thank you Lord.

Unsolicited Suggestions of The World

The world has evolved completely from the ancient civilization to the modern day era brought about most of the technology. The sudden innovation of technology really is the prime suspect of all the advancement in the lifestyle of a man. As time goes by, man embraces a new trend of living and this situation is always the starting point of change of human "needs" towards the "wants".

Food, shelter, clothing and others are our basic needs to sustain everyday life. What comes beyond these are the wants. The wants that leads to craving that the world suggests you want them. To start with, the internet. We have lived so many years ago without the internet, without the facebook, without even knowing what has happened to our friends seconds ago. We still breathe air without giving a single tweet or even writing an article on a blog like this. But why do we patronize such unsolicited suggestions? Because we are already a part of a vast change. And living without it means inexistence. The reasonable part of it is that it is profitable. With these constant communication, we try to sell something new that is marketable. Like mobile phones with cameras that suggest you to take pictures of anything and everything you want wherever you are. Phones we used for talking that are now we called android because we can do almost everything on it. Write a blog, watch movies, video chat, play games and so on and so forth.

Come and think about it. Do you really have to watch an HD movie while riding on a train? Do you really have to tell everyone what you are doing right now? what will be your dinner or who's with you at the moment? Is it really important that you assume you have an audience for this blog? Will i die if i didn't watch the latest post on youtube? Let's think again.

According to Maslow, the top of all human needs is self actualization. A stage in which what a man can be, he must be. A life fulfilled without the inferiority. Satisfaction without being what the world suggest you should be.

Basically in the sophistication of life nowadays, it is really hard to obtain self-actualization. For there are lots of things that we think we need. And that part of the culture that tells you what you lack and what you should do. But the real question that we forgot to ask ourselves is "what do we already have?"

NAIA

Who can tell? That i will become an OFW someday. It was two years then since I started writing this blog and most of my posts deal about the life of Filipinos working and living abroad. It was more of a drawing. A question of how would it be like to be an OFW. But what the real thing is for me to reveal now that I am one of them.

It was August 15 of this year when I left the country for the opporunity that called me. An opportunity that I cannot resist. Because chances don't come everyday.

It was my first time to work, live and travel out of the country and this maybe one of the most life changing experiences I have encountered. Mixed emotions, Significant places and important persons that i have been redefined to me as i brace myself for an adventure I am yet to discover.

NAIA. I already knew the meaning of this airport before but it was more of an International airport. I realized that it was a hub of dreams. A terminal filled with scenes that tell you more of a story by just staring people from afar. Some are bread winners, good fathers, loving mothers, expatriates, a happy family, a good son and daughter and many more.

Bottomline is that I am now one of those thousands and thousands of Filipino leaving the life in the Philippines for better opportunities abroad. For family, for self, for career, for the country. Perhaps I can already prove how it feels like to be an OFW. The people who we call "Mga Bagong Bayani."

Owepdabalyu

Dear Ma,

Kumusta na kayo diyan sa America? Malamig na daw ngayon diyan. Ang bilis ng panahon noh,parang kailan lang nung umalis kayo dahil wala akong pang tuition sa kolehiyo. Siya nga pala natanggap ko na yung pinadala niyo. Ang gaganda ng mga damit, yung para kay tatay ibibigay ko na lang sa kanya pag nagpunta siya rito sa bahay. Bihira na kasi siya umuwi simula nung tuluyan na silang magsama nung gerlpren niya. Yung pera na pinadala niyo,si lola ang naghahawak. Baka daw kasi ipang inom na naman ng mga barkada ni ate. Mag eenrol pa naman si jun jun sa susunod na sem. Ako nay, next year na lang siguro ko mag-aaral. Malapit na kasi manganak si jane. Magiging tatay na ko at lola na kayo. Saka ko na lang iisipin yung plano natin na maging nurse ako.Marami pa naman sigurong panahon. Sana dito na lang kayo. Namimiss na siguro kayo nina ate at jun jun. Hanggang dito na lang nay at baka umiyak pa kayo. Ingat po kayo diyan

love,

Andrew

Wake Me Up When September Ends

Yesterday September 30...It was payday and I want a new pair of shoes. On my way going to mall I was stock into traffic. Staring at the window of the bus, a young guy caught my attention. He was looking at the tall buildings of the city from the sidewalk. I knew that I saw him before. Then I remembered. He was a cashier in a nearby convenience store where we use to buy food when I was assigned on a jobsite before. He reminds me of my younger brother. A poor boy with small built similar to a high school student who’s bullied by anyone in the class. My brother works as a kitchen crew on a hotel. His job wasn’t that easy for what I see, he’s waking very early to go to work because his workplace is far away from home and comes home very late that we can’t even talk because when I come home, he’s either asleep, leaving or on at work. The worst is that his earnings merely suffice his transportation expense. He often had empty pockets. I wish I can find a better job for him.
In the mall, I checked my salary on the ATM. On the screen, I was reluctant of the amount deposited on my account. I think I wasn’t paid enough but then I still withdrawn cash, the mall will be closing soon. I’ve seen all the shoes from different boutiques for me to have a good comparison, and then I picked the best for me. On a shoe stall, a group of saleslady was talking about their earnings for the week. One Saleslady was so glad she had earned that much. Then I remembered the money I withdrawn. It was bigger than her salary. I was humiliated by her happiness. I keep on asking for something else while others treasure with a little.
I was ashamed of my attitude. I forgot simple things that I need to understand. I kept on looking for something new just to fulfill my happiness not realizing that the only thing I need is just a simple appreciation of the things that I already have. I’m lucky enough. My salary wasn’t that big but I can afford the things that I want. I have a job. I have a home. We’re not affected by the calamity caused by the storm. There are so many reasons to be thankful for. I don’t really need a new pair of shoes. I still have more than enough on my rack. Funny how buying a new pair of shoes awakened me somehow.